On gamedev and depression
I don't post dev logs... well ever really. To be honest, I don't feel entirely comfortable expressing myself too often, but I think putting my own experience down might help a few people understand and possibly relate to what I go through.
I want to start by tracing my journey within game development. I didn't actually want to do game development as a kid. I loved games, don't get me wrong, but making them wasn't something I ever saw myself doing.
When I graduated college with my college sweetheart. I later got a job doing basic game testing. I enjoyed that, even if it was a bit mind numbing at times.
I took another job just after the game got released, something that paid a little better but was outside of the games industry.
A few more years and a few more jobs, I married my college sweetheart. A literal year later we were divorced. Weird how those things go, huh? Dating and living together for many years, but only after you get married _then_ you start having problems. I think the answer is we didn't recognize the actual problems and everything was loose enough we didn't feel like actually dealing with them.
At this point I had spent a long time wondering what actually made me happy, if anything ever did. I remember how happy I was doing game testing. Again, hectic and very frustrating at times, it was enjoyable. I made it a goal to do game development as a career path. I was lucky enough to do game testing again, this time doing actual development. It was fun, and I was happy again.
Unfortunately that job didn't last long. I spent a while trying again to get back into the industry and eventually I did. This time I rededicated myself to making sure I can stay in the industry. Well I tried getting a game design certificate. I didn't go to some scammy nonsense. I did a legit course at an accredited university (non-credited, extension campus, adult learning, but still).
That... didn't help me. Honestly, in some respects I regret wasting as much time as I did on that certificate.
A while later I was working again as an SDET in games (technically), but for a faceless social media company of whom I shall not name. I never knew how bad some place can burn you out until I got there. I did get let go from that job. "Not a good fit" they said. Honestly, I agree, but not anything I did. The problems there didn't enjoy the fact that I wasn't complacent to their issues.
So I'm burnt out, but I double down on my own ambition and say "No, I will just do indie games!"... which in hindsight was a poor choice.
I spent a while trying to learn what I could and working on my own hyper ambitious project - "A 3d Action Adventure with Farming Sim elements"!
It's been my on and off project, something I try working on when I feel enough motivation to push past my depression to work on it, then burn out again when I see how much work my ambition is asking for.
And we come to the present. I have been doing therapy to try and deal with my actual problems. 'Burn out' is something I want to avoid, but I want to still work on that ambitious idea. I guess I need to follow a few rules for myself.
1. Go slow and enjoy the process
2. Don't see myself doing this as a way of validating my own existence
3. Take a break if I need it
4. Play games!
Well, that's me and the state of 'Ashes of Yggdrasil'. I hope my very rambley dev post helps some of you, or explains why nothing has been done with this.